Anti-bucket list

1. Have eye surgery

I love my eyes, haha, I say this with the least amount of vanity. Seriously though, my iris is the only thing people notice about me because it changes to different shades of blue. Many years ago, while I was at school, my eye’s blood vessels haemorrhaged which filled the sclera (white part of the eye) of my left eye with a deep red colour (I thought it was blood and that it would pour out at any moment – it didn’t).

I thought I was dying, but I am dramatic, and that if for some reason I lived, my iris would change colour to grey for the rest of my life. I honestly accepted my fate and prepared myself for the bad news. (I didn’t die and both my eyes are still as blue as they were back then)

One thing I know for sure is that I’ll happily donate my eyes once I’ve passed away. Until then, no sharp objects near my eyes, please and thanks.

2. Lose my sense of humour and sarcasm

Oh, what a sick and sad world that would be. I genuinely have the loudest and most contagious laugh that’s triggered very easily. If you can’t make me laugh then you’re broken. I also have a dark sense of humour that only a few people will understand. I can make myself laugh until I cry (it's a talent) and I use memes as a form of survival.

3. Be buried/eaten alive

Wow… just typing that heading gave me goose bumps, I actually turned around to make sure there was no one standing behind me with a body bag. I think I watch too many crime/thriller/mystery movies because this number has my mind racing. I’m going to move onto the next point before I imagine a shark/lion/cannibal under my desk.

4. Have my teeth fall out

Okay, so this is a real fear for Kristan. It crosses my mind about fifty times a day since my awful encounter with the dentist and two less teeth later. I actually had a dream that all my teeth, except for my wisdoms, fell out and I swallowed them in my sleep. I consider my two front teeth quite large in comparison to other people’s, it’s my biggest insecurity, I’ve even asked my dentist to file them down because I thought they were too big. That didn’t go well and now I just have to embrace them.

5. End up alone

My entire life’s wishes and dreams have always progressed to becoming an incredibly successful and independent woman that can go home to her incredibly successful and independent husband and children at the end of the day. It’s not about anything else but being eternally happy and growing old with the one person that was put on this earth to end up with me. That’s all for now.

6. Go to my high school’s reunion

Blegh, I just threw up a little bit. What is the point of gathering the grade after ten years of almost zero contact? Is it a race? "You have ten years to achieve more than the boy/girl who scored higher than you on the Maths test". Let’s face it, everyone will only attend to find out juicy information about what everyone is up to, or not, in some cases. I matriculated for a reason.

7. Watch a musical

Don’t hate me for this but I strongly dislike musicals. I’d rather hear the actors say the line than sing it, it’s a personal thing and probably because I have the singing voice of a blender. I’ve always avoided watching musical films and productions and will happily opt for a crime/thriller/mystery where people are buried/eaten alive.

8. Become famous

I can promise you that’s not going to happen, ever, but it’s something I’d like to add just in case Victoria Secret stumbles across my Instagram account and I become the next Candice Swanepoel (haha, who am I kidding). All I can say is, I feel sorry for famous people. All the misconceptions of what it’s truly like. Imagine never having to do your own grocery shopping ever again? Ah shame, it’s a tough life.

9. Be sent to prison

I can’t even go two days without washing my hair and jumpsuits make me look fat. In all seriousness though, I may act like nothing really gets to me and appear like I can survive in prison but I’d rather have eye surgery.